But I held on

...for too long

and it killed me.

It was march. March fifteenth, I'm sure. Of 1997. Not even a year old, you and I were best friends. And best friends it stayed. until last year. It was then I decided your obliviousness to it all and my pain wasn't worth it. I couldn't let myself feel that way. so I left. I left you. A friend I'd had for fourteen years. In three seconds... It was gone.

The worst part? Worse than losing you?

I saw it coming.

In fourth grade, maybe? When I walked around at recess by myself?

No, maybe fifth grade. When I felt like a third wheel. A square third wheel.

But in sixth grade... We were best friends. There was four of us, best friends. 

But then... You talked about me. Behind my back. It hurt. But who was I supposed to believe? My best friend or her, the one who told me? We talked about it, but I believed you. I trusted you. But I guess that's okay... Because last year... I stood up for myself. I finally did what I had never dared to do. i left. simple as that. I stood up and left. I sat with some new friends. Friends in which I felt included. I didn't feel awkward with my hole filled kicks and loose fitting tops. I felt at home. 

But see, I guess it worked out for the best. For both of us. I have new friends. And you can go on 'living life'... Or whatever you call it, without me 'controlling it'. Don't think I don't care, cause I do. I care about you. I don't care about the fake you. the one I see in the halls at school. I care about the you that only I see. I saw it. When you sat by me on the bus. Or when you are alone in the halls. It's there. I see it. It was that part of you that kept me holding on. Hoping. That one day you would remember her too, and come back. But you won't. I realized that after your insincere 'hey' and blocking me on facebook... As if I don't already know. It was then... Today actually... I defriended you. Such a simple task but to me meant sooo much and you won't notice. But I will. I'll see it in the halls.

See... I had a best friend, then I lost her. But now, I have a best friend. Actually, I have multiple. Friendship is a strange thing, it is. You lose one friend and gain sooo many friends. Sure for the first few weeks after leaving her, I felt stupid. I aimlessly walked the halls. But today, I walk with a purpose. I'm not self conscience, I'm comfortable walking alone because I know I'm never really alone.


And neither are you.

smile gorgeous,
austyn